I’m feeling fed up. Again! I feel like I’m a million miles away from where I am – zoning out on the kids, zoning out of what’s going on around me. I’m anywhere but here.
Where I am?
Lost in a world of thought, or worry, of problem solving.
What is the problem? What is it that I’m trying to solve?
I don’t actually know. I just know how I feel.
I feel tired, lethargic, bored, restless, unfulfilled, discontent, sad.
I drove the girls to work and started pondering. My mind wants to work it out, it’s always questioning me like a bloody bored interrogator – “yeah, but whhhhhyyyyyyy are you feeling like that? What is it that you feel so fed up about?”
There are things going on that are making me feel less than happy.
Things like, I’m always in the same old routine – ‘Mumming’ doesn’t allow for much deviance in the old routine does it…up at 7, breakfast, brushing teeth, settling the mornings arguments, snack time, lunch time, settling the afternoons arguments, dinner time – my God! it’s all about the food!
Things like, I’m bored. I want to do something fun, but the kid’s idea of fun isn’t my idea of fun. I don’t wanna go to the park or the bloody farm – it stinks there, and when you’ve seen one goat, you’ve seen them all. I don’t wanna play wrestling or brain box AGAIN – I might just box my own brain in if I have to memorise another dinosaur fact. I want, I want, to just be in the peace, on my own.
Ah solitude. That word feels so nice when I hear it.
It feels peaceful.
That’s what I’m after.
Isn’t that what we’re all really after?
What else is making me feel unhappy? I have loads of house jobs that I really need to be getting on with – and the grass needs cutting - but I can’t be arsed – house jobs are boring! And my new Remarkable tablet hasn’t arrived yet – that’s annoying. And my jeans were too tight yesterday – I need to lose weight again or else spend lots of money on fatter clothes (not happening!). And, I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer for dinner tonight and now I’ll have to think of something else to cook. Urgh!!! What am I going to do? What can I do about these things? All these things. How can I fix them? What should I do??!! Arggh!!! Fuck my life!
Right, let’s try to come back to peace again. Aaaaaannnnnd breeeeeeaaaaaaattttttthhhhheeeeeee……….
So this was all going through my head whilst driving the girls to work (which happens several times a day might I add - always a bloody taxi!) and whilst I was pondering my mood and trying to solve it for the 7th time that hour, I had a very wise quote pop into my mind
“your soul doesn’t care what you’re doing. It only cares who you’re being whilst you’re doing it”
Ah yes, I thought, Conversations with God. Thanks Neale! But……Pah! Whatever! Really!? Really!?
Look, if I were to pull my soul out of my body right now and ask it if it’s happy with what it’s doing, I think it would stand and weep before me. Snot, dribble, wracking sobs, there’d be no holding it back. I think it very much does care what I’m doing right now. In that it doesn’t care for it at all!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I love Conversations with God and Neale Donald Walsch. I am obsessed with the wisdom in those books and they reach me on a really deep, spiritual level, but actually, right now, I’m finding this piece of wisdom hard to swallow.
Here’s the thing, according to this quote, one would assume that whatever we’re doing in life, as shit as it is, our soul doesn’t actually mind?! What, so it has no opinion on it at all?! It’s just totally sat on the fence?! We’re just supposed to find the joy in whatever it is that’s happening, and our soul will be happy with it… Yeah?
Wow, that was making my soul feel like a total zoned-out numb-nuts!!!
But (I was still mulling this whilst driving), aren’t we supposed to listen to our souls calling and follow its joy rather than just trying to accept and ‘find the joy’ in a life that isn’t working for us? Doesn’t our soul constantly whisper its desires and longings to us so that we can go out there and ‘seek’ our joy?
Man! Now I’m just plain confused. Is our soul a numb-nuts or not?! Does it care or not?
Quick, someone grab me a wise owl, this is making my head hurt! Where’s that breath again…. aaaannnnnnddddddd breeeeeeaaaaaaattttttthhhhheeeeeee……….
Ooh, in drops another little bit of wisdom…
Should I just accept and surrender to the boredom and dissatisfaction and just practice being more grateful for it? Sitting on that fence of detachment? Or should I be asking myself questions like “what do you actually want and how can I get it?” Should I be connecting with my soul’s deepest desires and then goal setting, taking action and doing something about it?! …
“Your soul wants you to stop causing yourself more suffering by not accepting what is. Accept what is, surrender the need to control, give up the problem solving and drop the attachment to the outcome and then take mindful, loving steps towards freedom from that place of being. “
That feels more like it. I get it now. I hear what you’re saying.
It’s the acceptance bit isn’t it. My soul isn’t a numb-nuts, it just values peace. It knows that peace comes from accepting what is. It doesn’t keep fighting or hopping on and off the fence. It rests there and allows life to flow as it will, whilst making considered and non-attached plans for the future.
My mind is attached once again to its story. It likes to do that. I’m actually rather good at that!
I feel a feeling and then my mind likes to grab hold of it and analyse it. It churns it over and over and before long I’ve created a whole big hot mess of meaning and despair around it. God, it’s a total arsehole at times!!!
I had 5 minutes to go before I reached home. I could feel myself loosening my grip on the steering wheel somewhat as a bit of higher wisdom was filtering in. It’s funny how those little insights can lift the heaviness so quickly isn’t it!
I can’t change anything that’s happening right now. I can’t change the fact that life comes with routines, or boredom. I can’t change the fact that my jeans felt too tight yesterday or that I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer, I can’t change the fact that my Remarkable tablet hasn’t arrived yet, so why not just accept it? Why not! Why get so stressed about it?!
I have a choice, don’t I. I can either brood and sulk around the house today and make my mood even worse (and drag the kids mood along with me) or I can just make the most out of some annoying events and focus on creating more joyful days in the future.
I choose to accept it all and surrender then. Yep, that’s my choice. Life is what it is, and the future is mine to co-create. Now, what does my soul want to create?!